Friday, October 16, 2015

Cancer in Remission

   I am in remission. In remission- what does that mean? It's just a new label. My tumors are stable. The cancer is not active. I am no longer a cancer patient in treatment. I have been given a new identity. Hello, I am in remission.  A pleasure to meet you. Is that anything like being in the witness protection plan? You are given a new identity and told to act normal and get on with your life, but contact us if you feel anything is suspicious, or experience any signs that the criminal/cancer has found you and is again threatening your life.
   Your always on alert while in remission. Will this

food give me cancer. Is this just a headache or could it be a brain tumor (because you know it could be). Your always looking over your shoulder waiting for cancer to catch up with you. But don't get stressed out about it. That could give you cancer. 
   This is my second time in remission. My doctor and I expected I would be in remission for a long time after my surgery and first round of chemo. I did so well. Five months later I had 5 new tumors, and it had metastasized to my liver. I had to go through chemo again.
   Recurrences are hard. They are a big let down, to say the least. After surviving everything the first time I felt invincible. Hah! I survived cancer. I survived surgery and chemical poisoning. I am alive and I kicked cancer's ass!
   I no longer feel invincible (but I still kick ass).  I don't know how long it will be before the cancer finds me / comes back, or if it will. I do feel somewhat like I am being chased, so I am running faster. Not out of fear, but out of a sense of urgency. I am not running from death. I am running toward life. If today is all I can be sure of, I want it to be the best day of my life. 
  I wish I knew where I read this quote. It rings so true for me.

 "It is only in accepting death that real life is found"

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