Attitude

  I wasn't going to post anything more this week. I told myself I didn't have time. I have my PET scan tomorrow. I am in the midst of car purchasing paperwork. I have to prepare for my 5 day retreat that starts Friday, which means that I have to juice, and freeze 5 days worth of carrot juice, get all my supplements together, remember to pack my water filter, and decide what clothes to bring. Then my kitchen sink got clogged, and I lost a filling.

   Do you know the quote "she's standing on a line between giving up, and seeing how much more she can take"? Well, when I felt the hole in my tooth, where the filling used to be, this is exactly how I felt.

Our Universe Ourselves

 An Equation for Life

   I just read this beautiful quote from Albert Einstein, and since my computer was right at hand, I thought I would share it. 

"A human being is part of the whole called by us "the universe", a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings,as something separate from the rest--a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our  personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening the circle of understanding and compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

   
  

Ovarian Cancer Update/Inspiration

   Well, here I go again. My ovarian cancer is active, and my doctors want me to do more chemo to try to stop it. I found out a few weeks ago when I went in for blood work earlier than I was scheduled to because of some suspicious pains I was having. Nothing major, but I knew something wasn't right. I knew it was the cancer.

   This seems to be my routine. For the past three years, just as the holiday season approaches, just days before Thanksgiving, I am told "you have cancer or, the cancer is back". Gee thanks. Well I guess I should be thankful that it let's me enjoy my summers before it sets me back on the road to chemotherapy. Of course my doctors want me to start chemotherapy right away, but I'm not ready. I'm close to ready, but not yet willing to subject my body to more poison, at least not until I feel I have no other option, so I am putting myself through beat cancer boot camp. This means more juicing, more supplements, more research, an even more restricted diet, and finding a way to take pleasure in it all. If I can't stop the cancer on my own, at least I will know that I did everything I could to strengthen my defenses against the poisons the doctors have to offer.

   I read the following quotes a while ago, and filed them away for times like these, when I feel myself being tempted to accept that this might be the end in a way that feels too close to giving up the fight, because some days I am so exhausted that I think resignation would be a relief.  But I know I don't have it in me to give up. I believe in the power of hope. It's all I've got. It's all I need.

   Words like these help.

" I can't believe I've come this far 

to only come this far"

"Keep the faith. The most amazing things happen

when you are about to give up."

      I also find that testimonials from people who have beat cancer  are helpful and inspiring, so I have included a couple of links for those of you who are interested. For an online testimonial from a man who treated his cancer with supplements  click here.  For a compilation of testimonials in book format, there is the  book "Radical Remission, Surviving Cancer Against All Odds" by Dr. Kelly Turner Phd., which is enjoyable and inspiring to read

available here.

Inspiration and Quotes

a favorite spot for tea

   This is where I like to find myself on a quiet lazy Sunday morning, or any other lazy day for that matter. It is a used bookstore that is housed, along side a cafe, in an old grist mill. There are a lot of little corners and funky furnishings scattered about, allowing you to nestle yourself in amongst the books and forget the pressures of the day.

   I love to sit here by the window with a cup of tea, soothed by the rushing sound of the river below. It is a great place to browse a book, contemplate life, or formulate an idea for a blog post. At least it was. Until I discovered Pinterest. I spent hours this past Sunday, eyes fixed on my phone, pinning, glancing only occasionally out the window to relieve eye strain. 

   I am not a big fan of social media. I believe it has its place, but a part of me still holds the belief that because it is distracting and addictive, it is contributing to the decay of society. That said, I am totally hooked. Pinterest is so awesome. I love photographs, especially of beautiful things and interesting places. I am addicted to interior design, and food, and style, and all the pretty things in life and commerce. I also found a lot of useful information to pin. 

   I am into quotes these days. Sometimes all it takes is a few simple words to inspire you, or remind you of what you seem to have a hard time remembering. I hope you like quotes too. I found a lot of them on Pinterest. Some of which I am posting here.

I love this one:

In three words I can sum up

everything I learned about life:

it goes on"

by Robert Frost

This is beautiful:

"The meaning of life is to find your gift.

The purpose of life is to give it away".

by William Shakespeare

This is my favorite:

"Above all be the heroin of your life

not the victim"

by Nora Ephron

   Do you have any favorite quotes you would like to share?  I will be posting more quotes here on the blog in the future, but if you want to read all of the ones I have pinned so far, go to my board click here. 

Cancer I know (my story)

"You never realize how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

unknown

   Cancer, I know it well. I have been living with it for almost two years now. It was two years ago, the week before Thanksgiving, that I was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer. 
   Cancer, I know it well. I have had tumors surgically removed. They gutted me like a fish. I had a complete hysterectomy and an appendectomy. They removed my omentum. They removed tumors from my colon and my diaphragm.
   I survived against the odds. I was told that I had a 40% chance of surviving. I was told that as soon as I could, I needed to get myself up out of the bed and walk. So I did. I dragged myself and my IV pole, with my bags filled with fluid dripping into my arm, down the hall and around the nurses desk, lap after slow lap, with someone by my side in case I collapsed. 
   I was bloated and heavy from edema from the waist down from lying in bed, while at the same time being nothing but skin and bones up top. My five feet five inch frame had dropped from 115 pounds to ninety five pounds in a matter of days. I was not allowed to eat for the first three days, and my body was quickly burning through it's supplies trying to heal itself.
   Four days after my surgery I was released and sent home with my abdomen stapled shut from the tip of my sternum to my pubic bone. I was sent home with ten days worth of medicine that I had to shoot by needle into the flesh of my slack scrawny thighs to prevent blood clots. I was shown how to care for my wound, and told to watch for signs of infection. I would start chemo as soon as I healed. 
   Cancer, I know it well. I have had chemotherapy twice now. I have lost my hair- all of it. Not even an eyelash was spared. I didn't really care. It was no time to be vain. I looked as bad as I felt. I have lost my ability to taste food. I have had painful neuropathy in my hands that woke me up at night. I have had mouth sores which made it impossible for me to eat, even liquids sipped cautiously through a straw caused terrible pain. Talking was also painful, except when I could get the sound out through my clenched teeth without moving my tongue. Which is nearly impossible. My cognitive functions became impaired, and the steroids I had to take turned me into an emotional maniac, and prevented me from sleeping. 
   I live alone, and it was the dead of winter. I didn't have a car at the time, so I took taxis, or walked when I had the strength. At times I ordered chinese food to be delivered when that's all I could manage.  People helped, and probably would have helped more if I had asked, but I am independent, and I felt I was managing. I find it hard to ask for help, so I actually prefer struggling on my own. I tend to turn people away.  
    Seven months after this all started, when I finished with chemo, I was in remission. My blood work (CA125) was below the normal mark, which is 32. It was at 4000 when I was diagnosed! After a few months of being drug free, I felt better than I had in years, but then that feeling went away. The cancer was back, and it had metastasized to my liver. I was (am) now at stage 4. So, just five months after my first chemotherapy ended, I was again on the fast track to an early death. I was right back on the same road.... In spite of this I decided to delay chemo for a while. I was still feeling relatively well. I was still working and traveling. I had just spent a few weeks in Paris and the French Riviera. I wasn't ready to ruin what quality of life I still had. Every successive blood test showed that the cancer was growing rapidly, and I lived everyday with the decision of- is this the day I should start chemo. Will tomorrow be too late.
   When I started chemo this second time my blood CA125 was at 800.  The chemo brought it down at an astounding rate. After only two rounds of chemotherapy it was down to a jaw dropping 50! Yay! it worked. Two more rounds brought it down to 12, a comfortable spot well within the normal range of 0-32. Okay, another chance to live! I have now enjoyed two months of remission.  I will be tested again at the end of December. If my blood CA125 level has risen, I will again have to decide if I want to do chemo.
   Ovarian cancer is treated as a chronic disease. Even though it has one of the highest fatality rates, and is not curable, there are drugs, chemotherapy drugs available to prolong your life. And as long as they keep working, you keep living, until they destroy your body so much that they kill you, or they just stop working and the cancer kills you. What a choice!
  By now I know cancer very well, I have lived it, I have researched it, and I have talked with so many people who have it, or who know someone who has it. I am so grateful for all the stories I have heard. I have learned so much, and gained so much strength from them. 
   So, that's my story. I hope no one misunderstands my motive, and thinks I would accept their sympathy here. Congratulations would be accepted though. I wrote this simply because I wanted to share it. This is my life. This is what I have to share. And if it makes even one person with cancer feel less alone for having read it, I would be very pleased. 
   
   Cancer is not a death sentence. Cancer is a challenge. I choose to meet the challenge everyday.
   
   If anyone would like to write to me and share their story, or ask me any questions, you could use the comment box on this blog, or email me at figfoodin@gmail.com. 
   Thanks for listening
Diane

Cancer in Remission

   I am in remission. In remission- what does that mean? It's just a new label. My tumors are stable. The cancer is not active. I am no longer a cancer patient in treatment. I have been given a new identity. Hello, I am in remission.  A pleasure to meet you. Is that anything like being in the witness protection plan? You are given a new identity and told to act normal and get on with your life, but contact us if you feel anything is suspicious, or experience any signs that the criminal/cancer has found you and is again threatening your life.
   Your always on alert while in remission. Will this

food give me cancer. Is this just a headache or could it be a brain tumor (because you know it could be). Your always looking over your shoulder waiting for cancer to catch up with you. But don't get stressed out about it. That could give you cancer. 
   This is my second time in remission. My doctor and I expected I would be in remission for a long time after my surgery and first round of chemo. I did so well. Five months later I had 5 new tumors, and it had metastasized to my liver. I had to go through chemo again.
   Recurrences are hard. They are a big let down, to say the least. After surviving everything the first time I felt invincible. Hah! I survived cancer. I survived surgery and chemical poisoning. I am alive and I kicked cancer's ass!
   I no longer feel invincible (but I still kick ass).  I don't know how long it will be before the cancer finds me / comes back, or if it will. I do feel somewhat like I am being chased, so I am running faster. Not out of fear, but out of a sense of urgency. I am not running from death. I am running toward life. If today is all I can be sure of, I want it to be the best day of my life. 
  

  I wish I knew where I read this quote. It rings so true for me.

 "It is only in accepting death that real life is found"

Cactus Inspiration

finding inspiration

   Look at that sweet little flower on my cactus. Amazing!

   I know that this little cactus is not all that formidable as far as cacti go. It's spines look like they couldn't hurt a flea. But the fact that a fragile little flower had the courage to emerge from beneath that thorny surface is truly an inspiration. 

   When life gets thorny and you feel fenced in, push on through and let your beauty shine. Beauty is within us all. Be a flower. Bloom! 

"Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."

                                                                                 Hans Christian Anderson

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." 

                                                                    Lao Tzu

Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start"

                                                                                                                                  Nido Qubein